


Things You Can't Take Back

by runningscissors



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Book: New Moon, F/M, Gen, Introspection, No Plot/Plotless, Originally Posted Elsewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24291634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningscissors/pseuds/runningscissors
Summary: “The only thing in the world Bella wants is for Edward to be safe, but she’s worked so hard to regain some normality, and to have Edward Cullen reject her once again would simply be too much. There would be no resurfacing. There would be no warm sodas and carburetors to coax her back to life.”Bella bails from going to Italy, so what happens now?
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 196





	1. Afraid to Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> First and only multi-chaptered fic I've ever written, but I never completed before purging my livejournal account. I thought it was long lost, but I recovered it on an old flash drive and decided to finish it as I only had two unposted chapters to go. 
> 
> Recognizable lines are taken from New Moon.

_Don’t die, Bella._

His voice bounces around her brain as she bounces around in her seat with every sharp turn Alice makes and every red light she runs.

_Don’t go. Don’t_

It takes them an hour to get to the airport, Alice wheeling Bella through crowds of people and luggage. They wait in line to check-in and confirm the seats Alice reserved over the phone. Her heart is pounding in her ears so loudly that the rest of the world sounds like a hum.  
  
Alice is tapping her foot on the poured marble floor, her heels making a continuous clicking noise like the seconds on a clock _(does that stand for something?)_ , and Bella herself is staring at the floor, getting lost in the glare the fluorescent light creates against it.  
  
Questions keep swirling around her. _What happens if I’m too late? What will I do if he dies? How can I survive? Why would he do this?_

There’s a sneeze, and Bella looks up. A small boy, maybe at the most five or six, is shuffling his feet in front of her while his parents bicker over travel papers. His dark hair hangs in his face, and his arms sway back and forth as he watches the motion of his feet. The line moves, and Bella watches the boy hop forward, grabbing his backpack off the ground as he does. Bella’s eyes never leave the boy even as Alice wraps a cold hand around her wrist and pulls her forward as well.

The boy properly secures his backpack over his shoulders before beginning to spin like a propeller, his arms circling him lazily. Bella doesn’t know what it is about him; maybe it’s his care-free boredom or the fact that he keeps her mind at bay, but whatever the reason is, she never takes her eyes off him.  
  
He spins and spins, tripping over his feet occasionally, before colliding with a metal partition and stumbling backwards. Bella lets out a small peep of laughter, and the boy looks up.  
  
His eyes are wide, and the deepest possible shade of brown. She doesn’t have to think twice about whose eyes they remind her of.  
  
They stare at each other calmly, and eventually, Bella raises her hand and wiggles her pointer finger to signal a hello. The boy smiles at her, exposing one missing tooth. She can’t help but grin back at him. He makes a motion to move towards her, but suddenly his mother has her hand on his small shoulder and is leading him away and out of line.  
  
Bella’s heart seizes as the boy follows his mother. She watches his figure begin to fade away, his back disappearing. But just as they round the corner, he turns to her and waves.  
  
A small wave, but she sees it, and it tears her apart.

_You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie. For me._ Jacob’s voice echoes again as if somehow knowing she’s thinking of him.  


“Bella,” Alice calls impatiently from the front desk. Bella lingers on the now-empty hall, oblivious to Alice’s call.  
  
_“Bella,”_ she calls again, a little more harshly this time.  
  
“Hmm,” Bella turns back to the front desk.  
  
“I asked if you wanted aisle or window.”  
  
Bella shakes her head and blinks away her stupor, “Oh, um, whatever you want.”

\---

They make it through customs and security with barely minutes to spare before the last flight from Seattle to Florence takes off. Alice hurries to get her boarding pass, but Bella’s frozen to the spot.

_Please, Bella. I’m begging._

Her head is screaming for her to move; for her to save Edward. Yet she stands statue-still, unable to put one foot in front of the other.

The only thing in the world Bella wants is for Edward to be safe, but she’s worked so hard to regain some normality and to have Edward Cullen reject her once again would simply be too much. There would be no resurfacing. There would be no warm sodas and carburetors to coax her back to life. 

She can’t go through it again, she just can’t. She’s not that strong. She wishes she was, but she’s not. 

Alice turns and looks at her with confusion splashed across her face. “Bella, come on. We’re going to miss our flight.”  
  
Bella just shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes. She can’t breathe.  
  
“Alice, I – I just can’t.” She hangs her head, “I’m so sorry.” A dry sob escapes her trembling lips. “I’m scared.”  
  
Alice’s lips tighten into a thin line. She sighs, “ _Okay,”_ and then she turns and heads down the ramp without another word.

Bella stands alone, watching as the plane takes off and prays she’s made the right decision.

  
  
\---  
  


She wanders around numbly for a short time before finding what she’s looking for; a payphone. She digs through her wallet for change, waits for the dial tone and punches in the number.  
  
The phone rings three times before someone picks up.  
  
_“Hello?”_  
  
“Hi, it’s me. I’m at the airport, can you come get me?” Her voice falters, “ _please?”_

There are no accusations, or questions, not even anger just simply, “Which terminal?”

After, she sits with her head in her hands. The seats are uncomfortable, and the same eight songs have been playing on continuous rotation on the overhead speakers, but Bella doesn’t notice any of it. A thousand images are flying through her brain, all of Edward being successful.  
  
If he dies, it’s all her fault. Alice, Esme, Carlise— all of them, they’ll never forgive her. There’s blood on her hands, and she can’t get it off. She always thought Lady Macbeth to be overdramatic, but now she sees it; her palms stained red with guilt.

She bounces her knees and scrubs at her hands.   


\---

  
“I’ll give you three more years for properly using a payphone.”

Her head pops up, and her eyes widen. She’s out of her seat, flinging her arms around Jacob’s neck, her tears moistening his shirt already. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tight.  
  
“I – I just couldn’t do it,” she sobs into his neck, her feet dangling off the ground.

People shake their heads and smile as they walk by. No doubt, they see a lovers’ embrace, an emotional reunion in the arrivals lounge. If only they knew.  
  
Jacob runs a hand through her hair to soothe her. Bella sputters for air and hiccups along the way, rubs her face into the material of his shirt. It’s only fitting; she’s used him for everything else, why not a tissue too.  
  
“Please take me home.” She sighs into him.

He nods, picks her backpack up off the ground slinging it around his own shoulder before wrapping his arm around her shoulders, leading her back through the crowd and out the automatic doors that hours before Bella had run through with a different future in her grasp.

She doesn’t look back as they walk out into the cold night air.


	2. Heart in Your Throat

Jacob pulls up at the small red weathered house, cuts the engine and gets out without a single word to her. Of course, she follows like a small child, clutching her backpack and tears making her eyes glassy.

He walks into the living room, points to the sofa and heads up the stairs still in silence. She watches him retreat upstairs before collapsing onto the worn sofa, wet tears wracking her body. She cries herself to sleep, unable to move.

Bella’s not sure what time it is when she wakes; it’s dark outside still, that’s all she knows. And she’s not sure why she gets up and shuffles her way over to the rickety stairs, climbing them warily and holding onto the banister.

She feels her way around upstairs counting doors until she’s positive she’s found his. She places an ear to it, listening for snoring or sounds of life at all.

What she hears instead breaks her heart thrice over: Jacob’s dry sobs. 

The door creaks open, and before she can give herself time to think, her feet are moving her to his bed, and her arms are pulling him into her to rest his head on her stomach. She feels the wetness of his tears and the shaking of his body as he lets go.   
  
“You can’t do this anymore, Bella,” he desperately chokes out, fingers clinging to her body. “No more running away. No more fucking _chasing_ things _.”_

She flinches slightly at his words, not use to such harsh language from him in her presence, and strokes his hair. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers, holding back her own tears.

“Jesus, I was terrified. I was absolutely fucking terrified for you, Bella,” he mumbles into her skin.

“I know,” she sighs. “So was I.”

\---

When Bella wakes up in the morning, Jacob’s not there, but there’s a messy note on the fridge telling her that he has patrol, he’ll be back by noon, and also that she should really call Charlie because he found her note and he’s not happy.

She takes a deep breath and begins to pace. What is she supposed to tell Charlie? How does she explain her actions? 

How tormented Charlie must be that once again, his _mentally unstable_ daughter had run away from home on account of the Cullens. He had lived every painful moment of these past months alongside her in silence. She had heard him voice his worry that Bella might not ever truly get over her depression. 

Oh, she takes top prize for the worst daughter award by a landslide. 

But instead of dealing with her problems, she cleans. She cleans the counters, scrubs dishes, mops the floors, vacuums, dusts.

When there’s nothing left for her to clean without overstepping over personal boundaries, she eyes the phone wearily as she downs a glass of water at the kitchen table.

No, not yet. She’s not ready. 

She decides to bake instead. She makes cookies; then, she makes a casserole with leftovers from their fridge, and when there’s nothing left for her to cook, she makes a list of the ingredients she needs to reimburse the Black household with.

This is how Jacob finds her when he comes home, sitting at his kitchen table with a pad of paper and pen, tears welling up in her eyes.

“I used all your eggs,” she chokes out. “I’ll buy you more. I promise.”

He rushes over and holds her tight. “Bells, don’t worry about the eggs.”

She shakes her head, sniffling, “No I’ll buy you more, and I used the rest of your flour too. You can’t be without flour—“the dam breaks, and tears flow freely now. “I can’t go back, I just can’t. Her smell, it’ll be everywhere and I— I just can’t, not yet.”

“Okay, honey, I’ll call Charlie.”

  
\---   


  
  
A quick phone call to the station and a lie later, Jacob sits on the tattered couch in the living room with Bella’s head on his shoulder. His fingers run absentmindedly through her hair as he stares at the television screen. She glances up at him and notices the way his jaw is clenched, the tendons in his neck and shoulders tight and rigid. She can physically see the stress and tension in his body, and it makes her want to cry all over again.

She reaches up to brush her fingers gently along his jaw, and he flinches in a startled motion before looking down at her with a shy little grin. She feels like she’s experiencing an out-of-body moment. She doesn’t touch Jacob like this, but now she is.  
  
“I can see the tension in your jaw, Jake. Relax.” He’s going to wear himself out, and she needs him too much.

“I’ll relax when you do.” He snorts, chuckling when she wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes.

She gives him her I’m _dead serious_ look with her eyes. “No, really, Jake, you should take a break from all this pack stuff.”

“Bells, I can’t. It’s who I am. It’s not like I can switch off this wolf thing. Trust me, if I could, I would have already.” Bella frowns and sits up. “Besides, with Seth and Leah changing, it takes all hands on deck to get that shit sorted.”

“It’s just not healthy for you to be under this much strain.” He looks at her, puzzled. She shifts onto her knees, the couch cushions moulding around her. “I mean, you and everyone work so hard to keep me safe, and I can’t even describe how much that means to me. But I feel like I’m losing you sometimes,” she toys with his hand now, hesitantly running her thumb over his knuckle, “and I just want you back, you know?”

She looks up at him and bites her lip. His eyes are unreadable, they never use to that way. “What do you mean?” his free hand runs down her shoulder and the length of her arm.

“I want horror movies and warm soda. I want the smile that effortlessly reached your eyes.” It all comes pouring out before she can monitor what’s said. “I want to not wake up terrified over the fact that while I slept, you could have been killed by a vampire for a stupid reason like protecting me.” 

He scowls at this and goes to speak, but she shakes her head at him.

She reaches up again and runs her thumb over the dark circles under his eyes. “I want you to sleep, and not because if you don’t you’ll pass out. You mean a lot to me, and I - I just want you to be happy again, Jake.” 

He looks at her, stunned, and she feels a little stunned herself. 

She can tell he’s trying to wrap his head around everything she’s just thrown at him and swallows deeply. “Okay.”

  
\---

  


The next day Bella goes home with her heart in her throat. She walks through the front door and takes a shaky breath. The sweet smell of Alice is gone; there’s not a single trace that indicates she was ever here. Bella can’t decide if this is a good thing or not.

When Charlie gets home that night, there’s steak and potatoes, and she stands in the kitchen with a nervous look on her face.

“Hi, Dad,” she croaks out, her pulse hammering in her ears.

He hangs up his belt and gives her a grave look before sighing and taking a seat at the table.

“Dinner looks good, Bell.” And with that, he grabs his fork and knife and cuts into his meat. This is his acceptance. Bella takes a sigh of relief and scurries to her seat. Sometimes talking about things is pointless.   
  
She’s learnt her lesson.  


\---

  


“I love you, Dad.” She says at the bottom of the stairs before she heads up for bed.

His face looks worn like she can see the heartbreak etched in. “Yeah, you too, kiddo.”

She rushes over to wrap her arms around his waist, her face buried into his chest. He strokes her hair. “Bell,” he says, “I know this past year has been a tough one, but this is the last time you pull something like this, okay.” 

She nods into his chest. “I’m really sorry, Dad, for everything. I _want_ to get better, I promise.” 

Charlie pats her back, “Okay, that’s a good start.”  
  
“Night,” she mumbles into his shirt before she hurries up the stairs, tripping on a step and giving out a nervous little laugh. He just shakes his head and heads back into the living room.

\---

  
The next day Bella gets up and waits by the phone; waits for Alice to call and deliver any news. There was no message waiting for her when she got back from La Push, so she can only hope no news is good news. 

Alice never calls, but Rosalie does. She tells Bella that Edward’s okay, he feels foolish, but he’ll be okay. He’ll be living in Denali for a while under house arrest, so to speak.   
  
Bella feels a small weight lift off her chest; there’s less guilt than before.

“So, Alice tells me that your mutt is cute, once you get past the terrible wet dog smell.”

Bella chokes on her intake of breath and splutters into the receiver. “Oh, uh, Jacob? Well, I, um, I guess.” The line goes quiet with an awkward pause. 

“For what it’s worth,” Rosalie says, “Edward is an idiot for how he’s handled this, but he would be horrified to know how you’ve dealt with his departure. He doesn’t want that for you.” Bella feels a hot spear of shame in her stomach at that thought. “Don’t throw your life away, pining over a love that isn’t meant to be. Don’t wallow on what could have been, trust me on that.”

Bella falls speechless; her heart lodged in her throat. She wonders what sorrows would plague someone like Rosalie, realizing now that she knows absolutely nothing about Rosalie’s past. She never would now it seems. 

She feels so stupid, allowing herself to devolve into a husk of a human, waiting around for someone who has no intention of ever re-entering her life. Edward had left because he wanted her to have a human life. If she loves him, shouldn’t she try? What good is it to let her self waste away for the rest of her life? It won’t bring Edward back. 

“Thank you for calling me, Rosalie. I know we haven’t reall-”   


“Bella,” she interjects, “This is the _last_ time you’ll be hearing from any of us.” 

Her final words before the line goes dead. It’s the last time Bella will ever hear the real, pure melodic sounds of a vampire’s voice; at least a vampire that doesn’t want to rip out her throat. 

After she finally puts the receiver down, she drives down to the beach and watches the waves pound against the shore. 

A few days ago, she was ready to potentially throw her life away just to hear Edward’s voice, and now here she was, contemplating allowing herself to move on from him.She and Jacob had almost kissed, and Bella realizes that a part of her had wanted it. That part of her still does. 

If Alice hadn’t interrupted them, what would have happened? 

Bella doesn’t understand why this had to happen to her; she had been smiling, laughing, taking baby steps forward, and now, it feels like she’s taken three giant steps back. 

But she makes a promise to herself to never let it show; she’ll never walk around like the undead ever again. She’ll never again make Charlie feel like he’s failed. And she’ll never again put her self misery over Jacob’s happiness. Because she sees it now, sees why she wants to fight. 

Almost without thought, she finds herself driving to the ever familiar tiny weathered red house, and lets herself in without knocking. Taking the creaking stairs one at a time, she makes her way up to Jacob’s room, where she can hear him snoring loudly. She notices how his feet and calves dangle off the end of the mattress with amusement.

Silently she toes off her wet sneakers and sits down on the floor beside him with her head resting against the bed, carefully so that none of her is touching him, but close enough that she can still feel the heat radiating off his skin. It doesn’t take long for her to fall asleep; like always, his steady heartbeats the insomnia out of her. She’s not sure why she does this, but seeing him just lying there, it just felt right at the moment.   
  
That’s what she tells herself, at least.


	3. Surfacing

“So, school starts again in a few days.” Bella sighs from the inside of the Rabbit, her head dangling over the edge as blood rushes to her skull.

“Yeah, sucks, doesn’t it,” Jacob responds from underneath, the sound of tinkering accompanying his every movement. “Hey, weren’t you supposed to work today?” 

“I got my shift covered. I couldn’t bear the idea of spending eight hours pricing camping gear.”

Bella groans, “I wish I could just stay here. I feel more comfortable with you guys than the kids at my high school.” She hears him laugh, and she smiles. She’s glad he’s doing normal things again, like fixing cars. It’s like when they hit the garage, the hardness crumbles away, and the shining pre-wolf Jacob emerges from the rubble.

She sighs in content and pulls her head up to relax comfortably. But suddenly, she hears the holler of Jacob’s name, and she sees a tall figure running down the dirt pathway.

Quickly Jacob pushes out from under the car, wiping his hands on his pants as he moves. His face is back to being hard, and she sits up in alarm.

Bella watches as Jacob, and who turns out to be Jared, quickly speak in a hushed tone. Something’s not right.

“Jake, what’s wrong?” she asks, her voice hesitant and slightly panic-stricken now. He glances over at her, then turns back to Jared to say one last thing. Jared nods and makes a bolt for the woods, phasing as he hits the shelter of the trees. 

Bella’s up now, something is definitely wrong. “Jake, what’s happened?”

“Jared said that Embry spotted the red-headed bloodsucker two miles from the beach.” Bella gasps, clasping a hand over her mouth. In three strides, he’s got his arms around her.  
  
“Bella, I need you to stay in the house. I mean it! Don’t take a single step outside that door until I come to get you, okay?” She nods.

He runs her up to the house, making sure to lock all the outside doors and windows as if it could help keep a vampire out. Bella sits on the couch in a numb shell, watching Jacob lock windows and pull shutters closed. When he’s done, he kisses her head and rushes out the door, tossing his t-shirt over his head as he runs.

_He could die,_ Bella thinks weakly, _he could die trying to save me_. With a sob, she’s pushing herself off the couch and out the door after him.  
  
“Jacob!” she screams before he phases, he stops abruptly and runs back towards her.  
  
She’s stumbling over her own feet, but she’s running, and when she’s close enough, she slams her body into his, wrapping her arms around his neck as tight as she can. 

“You have to be safe!” She desperately pleads, “I can’t— I just can’t— if you’re not safe—”

His hands run up and down her back in comforting strokes, “Bells, I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” She shakes her head as the tears spill out.  
  
“No, you need to promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.”

“Bells, I have to go, please let go.” He could easily just remove her arms from around his neck, but he doesn’t, and she’s thankful for that. He smells like engine grease and men’s deodorant, and she won’t let him go. She won’t. 

“Just promise me you’ll try to keep safe.”

“I promise,” he murmurs, and slowly she relents. He leans down to gently kiss her forehead one last time. “When I get back, we’ll go see a crappy horror film in Port Angeles, okay.” She nods, choking down her tears. “We’ll be Jake ’n’ Bells, and do regular Jake ’n’ Bells things.” 

He smiles, giving her one last lingering glance before he sprints towards the forest.  


When she’s sure he’s gone, she hurries back inside, wraps a blanket around herself and sits at the window and waits. 

Waits for anything. 

\---

Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into hours.

She sits in the living room, her breath fogging up the glass; she’ll have to wipe the windows later. She sits and watches the forest, her eyes wide, and her heart pounding in her throat.

When there’s a loud bang at the door, Bella yelps in fright, her hand going to her chest.

“ _Christ_ , girl, you nearly scared the living daylights out of me,” Billy exclaims as he wheels around the corner and sets a bag down on the kitchen table.  
  
Bella takes a ragged breath, trying to calm herself down from going into cardiac arrest.

“I’m sorry. I guess I’m just on edge.” She gives a nervous little chuckle. “The pack is- is out-,” her lip quivers, choking her voice. “Embry spotted Victoria,” Billy gives her a puzzled look, “um, the red-headed vampire. So they’re all out chasing after her.”

Billy gives a silent nod, then grabs the grocery bag from the counter and wheels over to the fridge to put away the contents.  
  
She stares at him. How can he be so calm about all of this? Jacob could be injured or worse, and he’s just putting away groceries like this is a daily occurrence. 

She paces by the window, wringing her hands.

Billy wheels back into view with a sad smile on his face. “Sam will keep them safe. Besides, they’ve had a few run-ins with her the last couple of days, so they’re fairly confident they can take her down.” He pauses and gives a concerned look, “You all right, Bella? You look real pale.”

Bella’s breathing becomes constricting, “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Actually, I think I might lie down for a while. Maybe it will help my nerves.” She holds back the tears welling up in her eyes.

Billy nods and watches her with that concerned look as she and her shaking limbs climb the rickety stairs.

When she gets to the top, she makes a b-line for Jacob’s bedroom door, closing it quietly behind her and throws herself onto his unmade bed, her onslaught of tears moistening his pillow.

Why would he not tell her about the other sightings? Why would he keep something like that from her?

She buries her face into his pillowcase; it’s got a little too much starch in it, no doubt Jacob’s doing. He’s hopeless at the laundry. 

All she can see when she closes her eyes are the flames of Victoria’s hair as she duels with a russet wolf. The carnage that is sure to be their encounters.

She thinks about the last few days and tries to see beyond the hazy self-pity fuelled fog that was her brain. But now that she thinks about it, she recalls noticing a small splatter of blood soaking through Jacob’s t-shirt on one of the many days he came to try to get her out of bed. At the time, she had thought he’d been clipped by a branch while phasing, or had gotten into a scuffle with Paul or someone, so she hadn’t asked about it. But she should have, she should have said something; she should have taken care of him the way he continuously takes care of her.  
  
But that’s not all she suddenly notices. He’s been wearing shirts every day, and he never does that. Is he trying to hide the fact that he’s got injuries?  
  
Bella feels a lump wedge its self into her throat. He could have been in physical pain, and she was utterly oblivious to it.

The sobs come harder now; she’s not even sure she knows why she crying at this point. She's probably just doing it out of familiarity. Tears seem to be the only way she can express her emotions these days.

Crying has always been easier than smiling.

She cries until her stomach clenches in rebuttal to her heaving body, and her eyes flutter close.

  
\---

When she wakes up, voices are coming from downstairs. She can hear the deep throaty timbre of men. Quickly she scurries off the bed, and as quietly as she can and takes a seat on the stairs, so her body is hidden in the shadows.

She clutches onto the spindles, pressing her face against them for a more unobstructed view.  
  
Her heart thuds in her chest. The voices are coming from the kitchen.  
  
“So what are you going to do now?” the first voice asks, she immediately places that as Billy’s.

“I don’t know, Dad. Sam’s Alpha, so I have to follow his commands, but when it involves Bella – I just _lose_ it _._ ” Bella’s hands tighten around the spindles; she bites down on her lip to stop from calling out his name. “I mean he wants us to hold off and wait a bit, but every day that _filthy leech_ is out there trying to get her, and when I think of what could happen if one of us isn’t on top of things I just-” she hears heavy pants of breath then Billy’s stern voice.

“Jacob, focus. There’s no need to get yourself worked up about this. Sam’s only doing what he thinks is best for the tribe.”  


“Yeah, I know.” There’s a silent pause, “But that leech isn’t after the tribe, is it? It wants Bella, and that’ll happen over my dead body.” _Nonononono_ she whispers to herself, anyone but Jacob. Anyone. 

“Where’s Bella?” she can hear the anxiousness in Jacob’s voice. 

“She’s upstairs sleeping. She’s been a right bundle of nerves.” Bella's cheeks grow hot, and she hears the deep rumble of Jacob’s chuckle. Then she hears the sound of Jacob’s heavy tread moving closer.  


_Oh shoot_  
  
“Jacob,” Billy calls after him. “I better never hear about you doing something that stupid ever again, do you hear me.”  
  
“Yeah, Dad, I got you.”

When she hears his footsteps continue, she stumbles back up the stairs, making sure not to get caught eavesdropping, and lies back down on the bed with her head smashed into his pillow.  


The door clicks open, and she tries desperately to get her heart rate to slow down and her heavy heaving to stop.

“You are the _worst_ actress I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

She pulls her head up and scowls at him, but Jacob just laughs.

“So how long have you been awake?” He takes a seat at the end of the bed.  
  
“Just a few minutes.” She replies sheepishly. She sits up, looking at his back.“Take your shirt off,” she says in the most commanding voice she can find. 

He swivels around to look at her. “What?”

She gets up onto her knees and points at his chest. “You heard me. Take your shirt off.”

He looks at her, equal parts amused and bewildered. “I’m not that kind of boy.”  
  
She scowls at him once again. “I’m serious, Jacob, take it off.”

His face loses some of its amusement, and he scrubs his hand over it. “Why is it important for me to take my shirt off all of a sudden?”

Bella shuffles over, so she’s right beside him. “Because I need to check for injuries, now take your shirt off.” Jacob pushes himself off the bed and stands on the other side of the already tiny room.

“I’m fine,” he huffs outs. She can tell he’s annoyed, but he’s lying, and she’s stubborn. She crosses her arms over her chest.  
  
“Then you shouldn’t mind showing me,” she challenges.

He stares at her with hard eyes for a moment, then sighs and reluctantly pulls his t-shirt over his head. Bella gasps. There are deep red scratches along his collarbone and a massive gash on his left shoulder blade. There’s also an ugly pattern of bruises along the left side of his ribcage, the discolouration almost black in places.

_“Jake!”_ She cries out in alarm, pushing herself up off his bed and running her fingers over the deep scratches on his collarbone.

He watches her fingers trace over his raw skin. “Really, Bells, I’m totally fine. They don’t hurt at all. It’s just a superficial wound.”  
  
“No, you’re not fine.” She whimpers, staring at the red slashes. “You’re obviously hurt.” A tear spills over, hitting against his skin

He takes her hand in his own and tilts her face up to him. “Hey, I’ll be fine. In a few hours, it’ll be completely healed, and you won’t be able to even tell which shoulder it was.”

There’s a small ragged pink scar on his back from where the bloodstained shirt had been. Bella runs her hand over it, and Jacob looks down at the ground like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

She looks up at him with tears in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me that Victoria has been back for a little bit?”

His brows knit together. “Who told you that?”

She pauses, “Your dad.”

Jacob runs a hand through his shorn hair, and then throws himself down onto the bed, his back hitting the mattress with a loud screech from the bedsprings. “I’m gonna kill that old man.”

Bella stands over him with her hands on her hips. “Don’t blame Billy, he thought I already knew.” She sighs deeply, sitting down on the bed next to him. “Why didn’t you tell me, Jake?” she looks over at him with sad eyes, not trying to hide the fact that she feels hurt.

He groans, “I- I just didn’t want to worry you.” Jacob reaches out and tugs on Bella’s wrist, pulling her down on the mattress so that their heads are turned towards each other. Jacob only has a twin bed, so it’s a snug fit, maybe the closest they’ve ever laid to one another. 

“You’ve had a lot to deal with lately, and I just didn’t want you to get stressed out over something you had nothing to worry about.”

His eyes look tired, and she knows she shouldn’t be mad. He was just trying to protect her. But she can’t help that feeling of uselessness again. “I appreciate that Jake, I really do. But you can’t keep something like this from me, okay? You always tell me everything, and I don’t want you to stop just because I’m going through something.”

“Okay.”

She takes him in with her eyes; notices the dark lashes that surround his eyes and the slope of his nose. “I’m relieved that you’re okay, though. I was worried.”

He smiles at her, the whites of his teeth shining through. “Yeah, I heard you were just a great big spastic without me.”

She frowns and shoves at his arm. “No, I wasn’t.” He just smiles brighter and puts his arms around her, squeezing tight and rolling them around like he’s trying to flatten something.

“Admit it, Bells, you missed me.” He flutters his lashes at her, and she scowls at him, trying not to crack into a smile.

“Let go of me,” she whines.

“Only if you tell me that you missed me,” he taunts, squeezing tighter.  
  
“All right,” Bella huffs, “I _might_ have noticed your absence, and that _might_ have made me less than thrilled.”

He grins but releases his hold on her. “See, now was that so hard?”

She laughs. It’s a start.

\---

“Fu— _ow_.” Jacob clenches down on his jaw tightly, hissing in pain as Bella swipes the cotton ball over the claw marks on his back. “That stings a lot.”  
  
“Would you stop moving!” Bella dips another cotton ball in peroxide and pats it down on his wounds. He grunts.

“Bells, this is completely unnecessary. I’ll be fine in like two seconds.”

“Just let me do this, I’m cleaning your wounds to make sure they don’t get infected.” She blows lightly over the skin.Jacob’s skin seems to almost ripple when she does this, a small shudder rolling down him, and he shifts uncomfortably. She blushes as she runs an old towel over it.  
  
“I already told you, I can’t get an infection. My body temperature kills anything before it can do any damage.” He goes to get up from his spot on the closed toilet seat, but Bella puts her hands on his shoulders and pushes down with all her might. He pretends to go along with it.

“I know that, but it will make me feel better. So just be still and let me finish.” She grabs the small brown bottle of medical peroxide and dabs it on a clean cotton ball. “I have one more to do, and then you’re free to go.”

Jacob grits his teeth as Bella cleans the last of his slashes.

“There, I’m done, you big baby.” Bella caps the bottle and puts it back in the medicine cabinet. She rolls her eyes when Jacob grumbles as he pulls his t-shirt back over his head, and together they head out of the bathroom. Shockingly, they can both even fit in the tiny space.

Billy laughs at the childish scowl on Jacob’s face when he and Bella walk into the kitchen. 

“Done playing nurse, Bella?” he calls. Jacob grumbles again and grabs a jug of orange juice from the fridge, unscrewing the top and bringing the whole jug to his lips, ignoring the reprimand from Billy about using a glass. 

“Yes,” Bella says as she takes a seat at the table. She looks up at the clock, which reads a quarter past six in the evening. “I should probably get going. Charlie will be home soon.”  
  
Jacob wipes his mouth on his arm and places the now empty jug on the counter.

“I’ll go with you. I should check in with the pack anyway.” Bella shrugs and pulls her car keys from her pocket.

“While you’re out, Jake, you can pick up more juice to replace the jug you just chugged down,” Billy calls out as they head for the door. Bella snorts with laughter.  
  
“Yeah, okay, Dad,” he calls back as the screen door slaps shut behind him. Once outside, he grabs onto Bella’s waist and pulls her tight against him. “And what are you laughing at?”

“You,” Bella says, squealing when he brings his arm over her shoulders and messes her hair with his hand. She pushes against him, laughing all the while. She can feel the vibrations off of Jacob’s ribs as he laughs too.  
  
“Oh, hey, Charlie,” Jacob calls out. Bella looks up from her curtain of hair to see Charlie walking up the small dirt path with an amused smile on his face.  
  
“Evening, Jake.” Charlie nods. Bella quickly pushes herself free, suddenly feeling very embarrassed and shakes out her hair.

“Hi, Dad, I was just on my way home.” She squeaks out, turning to glare at Jacob, who just smiles at her.

“No rush, I thought I’d stop by on my way from checking in on Sue and the kids.” Charlie’s still got his uniform on, his gun belt included. Bella’s brows knit together when she notices something on Charlie’s cheek.  
  
“Um, Dad,” she asks, clearing her throat, “is that _lipstick_ on your cheek?”

Charlie reaches up and wipes at the red imprint of lips on his cheek, giving a small nervous chuckle. “Oh yeah, I guess.” His face goes a little red, and suddenly, Bella sees precisely where she got her blushing from.  


“I was down at the Court House in Hoquiam, dropping off paperwork today, and the secretary there is a little overly friendly.” He clears his throat, his embarrassment clearly showing now. “Well, I’ll see you, kids, inside,” he mumbles out as he pushes past them and into the house.

When he’s gone, Jacob gives her a face, and she has to bite down on her lips to stop from bursting out laughing. “Well, you don’t see that every day,” Jacob says, and Bella kicks him.  
  
“Ouch! That hurt.”

“Liar.” 


	4. Out of Doubt

Bella stands in the bathroom, hunched over the basin of the sink as she spits out a mouthful of toothpaste. She looks up at her reflection, white foam still on the side of her lip and quickly wipes it away with the back of her hand.

She takes in the dark circles and heavy puffy bags under her eyes; she wonders how long her eyes have looked like this. She sees the ghostly pale skin on her cheekbones; it’s so lacking in colour, it’s almost translucent. She puts her hand to her cheek and pushes down on the flesh hard. When she removes it, there are red fingertips on her skin. She doesn’t understand why she still looks like this. She’d had such a pleasant night; she shouldn’t look like she’s been dead for a month. She almost looks like a vamp— she lets out a shaky breath, her hands clutched around the basin desperately.   
  
_No, don’t you dare think that. Don’t you dare._ Bella repeats this in her head like a mantra, her mouth forming the words like a silent whisper. Taking another calming breath, she looks back up and yelps—fierce red eyes and flowing hair glow back at her. A menacing smile exposes gleaming white teeth, but when Bella blinks, the only thing in the mirror is her horrified expression.

Victoria. She was still out there. She and Jacob hadn’t really talked about what had happened. She should have pushed him for more, but it just wasn’t like Jake to keep things from her. He _never_ candy-coated anything for her. Why would he now? And why had she just willingly taken his now excuse? _Because you’re gullible Bella Swan,_ she says bitterly aloud to herself. 

No, something was up, and Bella was going to find out. She began scrubbing at her teeth with ferocity. To say she is angry would be a grave misunderstanding; _she is pissed off._

\---

When she’s done, Bella hurries downstairs, already reaching for the phone before her feet stop moving forward. She punches in the number with unneeded force, cradling the phone between her shoulder and cheek. She twists her fingers around the cord as she waits for someone to pick up.  
  
 _“Hello?”_ the deep voice croaks out groggily.   
  
“I need to talk to you.” She hisses into the phone, finding it very hard to hold her emotions.

_“Bella?”_ his voice is more awake now. “ _What’s the matter?”_

“A lot,” she spits out into the receiver. “So get over here right now. I’ll wait for you outside.”   
  
_“All right.”_ Jacob says hesitantly, _“I’ll see you in a few.”_   
  
“Fine.” Bella snaps before slamming it down and stomping over to the shoe rack to grab her shoes. Her hands shake as she does so. What exactly does she expect to accomplish here? If he wasn’t willing to tell her earlier, then he’s not likely to be keen on it now. But Bella doesn’t think about this, she just quietly opens the front door, making sure not to slam it behind her accidentally and begins pacing on the small overgrown lawn.  
  
She should fix up the garden this spring; the bushes could use some significant trimming, and even— no, stop it! This isn’t the time for housework.

Bella shivers as a cold wind blows by, making her hair stand on end.   
  
“Ah, what it would feel like to be cold again.” Jacob’s voice chuckles softly from behind her, and she spins around sharply, glaring at him.   
  
His smile falters, and his eyes become worried. “Are you okay? You sounded like you were ready to rip my throat out on the phone.”   
  
He’s walking closer now, a streak of dirt along his left cheek. The flits through her head that she’d like to brush it away, but she stomps it down. 

“I’m angry with you,” she says, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

He looks at her, confused. “Is this anger towards me a sudden realization?” He raises an eyebrow at her, and she scowls again. He’s trying for funny she knows, but it just comes off as condescending in this moment; she hates when he does that.

“Stop that,” she huffs. “I’m serious here, Jake, I want to know why you lied to me about Victoria.”

He runs a hand through his hair, sifting it between his fingers. “I thought we already went over this. I just didn’t want you stressing over nothing.”

“I don’t believe you,” Bella says sharply. She can see the calm that Jacob’s trying to force on himself. This pushes her forward.

He rolls his eyes and looks at her exasperated. “Honestly, Bells, just drop it. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is for me.” She grits out; her fingers clenched tight at her sides. “You don’t hide things from me. You even break unbreakable commands, to be honest with me.” She practically whispers out the second half.

His expression is sliding into the Pack Mask that she hates so much. Her anger flares. “You’re hiding something, Jacob, and I want to know.” She takes a step forward. “It’s me she wants to kill; I think I deserve to be involved.” She takes another determined step forward. “I’m not some weak little girl who can’t handle herself. I’ve been through this before, you know.”

“That’s what I told them,” Jacob says quickly, before snapping his mouth shut and swearing darkly under his breath. “Look, Bella, I gotta go, I’m on patrol.” In a fluid motion, he’s sidestepping her and stalking back towards the trees.

“Where are you going?” Bella calls out, jogging just to keep up with his steps.   
  
“I’m leaving before I say something I’ll regret.”

She runs out in front of him and gets her face right into his space; the heat from his body is like a blast of hot air, and she can see small tremors along the veins in his arms. “Why? What are you keeping from me?” her brows furrow as he takes another sidestep, and she has to run again to block his path.

“Is it Sam?” she asks more softly this time. He looks away. “Has he ordered you not to tell me something?” He doesn’t answer, he just shifts his weight from one leg to the other, but his silence is as good as an answer.

She reaches out, placing a small pale hand over his large calloused one, her fingers threading through his. “Please, Jake. You can tell me anything.” She stares up at him, her eyes wide, her voice tingeing on desperation.

“Bells, you know the rules.” He reluctantly meets her eyes, and he looks so sad.

“That’s nonsense, Jake.” His lips tighten like he’s trying to suppress what he wants to say. “You always break the rules. Why should now be an exception?”

“It – it just is,” he says quickly. Bella glares up at him, her mouth opening to retort, but Jacob cuts her off. “I mean— Bella, I’ll be skinned alive if I tell you. I’m in enough trouble for telling you about my transformation in the first place.” 

“Look, Jake, the point is, if it’s about Victoria, I deserve to know, and the fact that you and the pack are keeping stuff from me, only makes me think that—”

“It not about Victoria!” He hollers at her, his calm composure cracking. “It was never about Victoria.” He begins to shake; his hands clenched up into fists at his side as he takes deep breaths.  
  
“Jake,” Bella says calmly, “just settle down, there’s no need to get angr-”

“Well, if you would just stop pushing me, I would _settle_ down.”

“Well, I wouldn’t need to push you if you would just stop lying to me.” Bella snaps, placing her hands on her hips and jutting her chin out. She is just about tired of this stupid game of cat and mouse.

“Fine,” Jacob snarls, “you want to know what this is really all about?” his voice low and threatening.

“Yes!” Bella practically yells. “Have you not listened to a single word I’ve said? I want to know!”

“It’s _you_ ,” Jacob says, his voice coming out in a low grumble. Bella freezes.

“What?” she asks, flustered and confused. Once again, Jacob has his mask on, the classic look she’d seen on him and Sam so many times she worries if it has become permanent.

“It’s you, Bella,” he says again. “The pack doesn’t want to tell you things because they don’t trust you anymore. Everyone’s worried that you’ll get too scared, or you’ll think we can’t handle her alone, and you’ll freak and contact the Cullen’s and bring them back.” 

Bella staggers back, her head swimming. “Bu—but I would never do that,” she whimpers, the hole in her chest aching ten folds. “I don’t even know how to get in contact with them; they’ve cut off all connection to me.” She wraps her arms tight around herself. The world is beginning to spin; she looks up helplessly at Jacob.   
  
“Do you think that, too?” she asks weakly. She doesn’t know what she’ll do if her best friend doesn’t even trust her. He shuffles on his feet, his left hand fiddling with the knuckles on his right.   
  
“Bella, I—” he begins, “I always think you should know what’s going on. I don’t want to hide anything from you.” He takes a deep breath, his hand going through his hair again. “But, the pack might have a point. I mean, they don’t just think this for no apparent reason. When you ran off with that freaky future-seeing leech, I mean, you must have realized that the pack would be angry. You know that they would feel betrayed.”

“No, I didn’t,” she cries. “Going to save Edward had nothing to do with the pack.”

“Of course it did,” he interjects. “We’ve been working our asses off to keep you safe. Your safety is our responsibility; you were one of us, and you just tossed it away like it meant nothing when your bloodsuckers needed you.” He is shaking again, the trembles coming off his body in waves.

She never thought the pack would care, let alone hold it against her. The wounded, vulnerable look in Jacob’s eyes catches her. Suddenly, this doesn’t seem like it’s about the pack. 

_That they would feel betrayed — that’s_ all Jacob. Is that how he really feels? Like she’s betrayed him? The thought of doing something like that to Jacob seems unthinkable, but she already knows she’s caused him pain in the past, so maybe it’s not _that_ unthinkable. 

“But I didn’t go,” she says now, “I couldn’t do it. Doesn’t that count for anything?” She never went, never saved the love of her life. 

“Of course, it does.” He repeats, this time, softer, more gently. “I’m really proud of you for doing that, too.” He tries smiling at her, but it just comes off looking forced and not natural. “But it’s not about what I think. It’s about what everyone thinks, and they’re just a little cautious.” 

“So cautious, that you’ve been banned from telling me things, huh?” Bella seethes, her anger flaring up again. Jacob scrunches his features, taking another step towards the forest, making Bella take another step back to stay in front of him.   
  
“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbles, rubbing his hands over his face and letting out a deep sigh. “Look, Bella, can I go now? As much as I like having my head chewed off for something that’s not my fault, I’ve got things to do, places to be.” 

“Go ahead.” Bella motions with her hands like she pushing something away from her. “Nothing’s stopping you.”

Jacob’s mouth twitches, his brows furrowed. “Yeah, okay. Night, Bella,” he grinds out, walking past her.   
  
“Back at you,” Bella yells back. “Oh, and you can tell _the pack,”_ her voice drips with venom, “that I don’t need their protection. If they have a problem with ‘saving me’ they don’t need to any longer.”

Jacob spins around and glares at her, his eyes darker then she’s ever seen them. If she didn’t t know him like the back of her hand, she would be frightened for herself. He stalks towards her, and she takes a step back. He reaches out and grabs onto her arm.   
  
“Don’t be stupid, Bella,” he snarls. “She’ll kill you. You need our protection. The pack is the only thing that can keep you safe.”

Bella tries to shake off his arm, but he’s got his fingers wrapped around her skin like they’re locked there.   
  
“Maybe it’s easier if she gets me.” Her body’s shaking. “Then Charlie will be safe, and you and everyone else won’t have the obvious burden of keeping me alive.” She chokes on her words, tears filling her eyes. She feels so weak. “You can all move on and live normal lives.”

His eyes bore into hers; she can tell she’s insulted him. She’s hurt him, her and her stupid mouth shooting out things without thinking. “Is that what you think?” He asks. “That you’re a burden to me?”

When she nods meekly, he growls and grabs at her free hand sharply, entwining their fingers and pressing them to his chest. She can feel his heart hammering. “How could you ever think that, Bella?” He stares at her, looking crushed like she’s just torn out his heart. The truth is, she probably has, not that she’d realize that. She’s too busy drowning in her own tidal wave of surfacing emotions.   
  
“I don’t know, I mean... I know it’s not true,” she croaks out, her mind running a thousand different places. “I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry,” she says in a broken whisper, the words ghosting her lips.

Jacob looks at her, those bottomless black, sad eyes. “No, you’re not.” He says softly before letting go of her and running off into the forest.   
  
“Jacob!” Bella cries after him, even after she’s heard the ripping sound of his transformation.

She stands there, frozen to the spot, sobs threatening to shake her body. She’s screwed things up bad this time.

This one is all on her. 


	5. Amends

She sits the table, her eyes red and puffy like she’d spent the night crying, which she has. 

Her bowl of cereal is untouched; her cheerios are becoming soggy. She feels like she can relate to her breakfast. She sighs, pushing the bowl away and gets up to grab a cup of coffee.  
  
“Morning,” Charlie calls out brightly, or as brightly as it’s going to get for Charlie, as he walks into the kitchen. Bella looks up with the coffee pot in her hand. She stares at him bewildered, taking in the way he’s fixed his hair, so it doesn’t look like he’s just rolled out of bed like it does most days and the fact that his permanent five o’clock shadow has vanished. 

“Morning, Dad, you look _good_. You going somewhere special?” Bella asks, smirking at her father’s blatant attempt to make himself look presentable. She leans back against the counter and pours a cup for Charlie.

His cheeks darken. “Oh, uh, do I? Nowhere, in particular, I have to go back out to the Court House in Hoquiam today, that’s all.”

Bella’s smirk widens, “Hoquiam,” she says, as she hands the mug to Charlie. He begrudgingly takes the mug from her hand and drains the coffee in two gulps.  
  
“Yeah, Hoquiam,” he responds gruffly. “So, what are you going to be up to today?”

Bella shrugs. She’ll head out to La Push and beg for Jacob to forgive her, but not before she tackles all the homework she’s ignored this past week. “I don’t really know yet,” she says instead.

Charlie nods as he places his now empty mug into the sink and leans over to ruffle her hair. “Well, maybe you should just take a nap today. You look beat, Bell.”

Bella blushes, bringing her mug to her lips. “I’m fine.” She mumbles. Charlie gives her a fatherly once over before securing his gun-belt. “All right, well, I’ll see you tonight.” He says as he dons his jacket and closes the front door behind him.

Bella takes a few deep breaths after he’s gone, then walks over to the phone and punches in the only number she ever calls.

\---

As it turns out, Jacob doesn’t want to talk to her; at least that’s what Billy tells her when he picks up the phone. _Well_ , she thinks glumly, _at_ _least he didn’t make up stupid excuses like last time_. He just flat out told her that Jacob was standing next to him, shaking his head and making a slicing motion over his throat.

Bella knows under different circumstances she would have laughed when she hears Jacob’s frustrated cry of “ _Dad, do you not understand the simple concept of ‘don’t tell her I’m home’?”_

After one more pleading to talk to Jacob, Bella thanks Billy for his efforts and hang-ups, when she’s off the phone, she sits at the kitchen table, her eyes staring blankly at the wall, her hands spread flat against the grain of the wood.

She and Jacob had never really gotten into a fight before. What happened right after he became a werewolf didn’t count as a fight in her book, and she’s positive it didn’t matter in his either. Neither liked talking about that and so no one ever brings it up, apart from last night. And he’s been furious when Alice had shown up, but again, that paled in comparison to last night. 

She wants him to fold himself around her like he always does, and for her to tell him that she’s sorry for everything; she’s sorry that she’s selfish; she’s sorry that she takes him for granted; she’s sorry that she’s made the pack doubt her; she’s sorry she can’t let herself want him the way he wants her. There are many things that Bella feels she needs to apologize for.

Bella thinks about the girl she used to be; the girl that went to beaches with friends, the girl that had friends for that matter. The girl that would get flustered when a boy would smile at her; the girl that got excited when she’d hear the sound of a book gave off when she’d crack the spine for the first time; the girl that could keep up a simple conversation without having to hold herself together.

She wishes she wasn’t broken, wishes she could get over everything and move forward. That’s what not going to Italy was supposed to do; it was supposed to set her free, but it’s only made trouble for the tiny bit of reality she has left. 

\---

“Hey, kid, I’m home,” Charlie calls out as he takes his coat and belt off, frowning when he doesn’t receive an answer.  
  
“Bella, you home?” He walks into the kitchen to find that Bella’s still seated at the kitchen table; her fingers stiff on the tabletop, eyes still staring at the washed-out wall in front of her. Her unfinished bowl of cereal still pushed off to the side.

“Bell, you okay?” he asks wearily as he takes a small step towards her. She still doesn’t say anything, but she looks over at him with tears in her eyes. She knows the usual tricks aren’t going to cut it anymore. She’d not fooled Charlie once this past year.  
  
He quickly strides over to put his hand on her should in an attempt at comfort. She looks up at him, her lips quiver, the tears threaten to break free. “Dad, I need to tell you something.”

  
\---

Her nails are raw as she bites at them nervously. She’s been parked outside of Emily’s small house for the past ten minutes. Sam’s truck is in the driveway, so she knows there is a good chance he’s inside.

Coming clean to Charlie about what had happened the past week had been tough, especially since she obviously couldn’t really tell him the truth. She had said to him that Edward had been in trouble, and she and Alice had raced to the airport to catch a flight out to California to help him, but that at the last moment, Bella had chickened out and got Jacob to come pick her up. 

She told him that she and Jacob had fought about it after, and how scared she is that she’s messed things up between the two of them. 

He was ‘ _disappointed’_ as he had put it that she hadn’t told him. But in the end, he assured her that Jacob was a good kid, and they’d patch things up. He then gave her an awkward, yet comforting hug and made her a mug of hot chocolate like his mother used to make for him.

So now the next step was to talk with Sam and clear the air between them.

There’s another car in the drive-way that Bella doesn’t recognize, but it could be anyone's. Maybe it’s Jared’s or Paul’s.

She’s at the front door now and taps gently on the wooden screen frame. She hears voices from within and heavy footsteps lumbering towards her. The door opens, and a blast of warm air hits her. Sam’s standing there with proper pants and a shirt on.  
  
“Bella,” he face flits between mild surprise at first and almost something like relief, before falling into his ever cool mask.

“Hi,” Bella says timidly, looking down at her feet.  
  
“If you’re looking for Jake, he’s not here. Did you try—”  
  
“No, actually, I was looking for you. Do you think we could talk for a second?” She cuts in.

Sam’s eyebrows dip. Voices are coming from within the small house, a deep boisterous laugh bellows over the sound of sports commentary.

“I’m not interrupting something, am I?” She asks quickly, her cheeks flaming red. She had rather hoped on doing this now. She’s not sure if she’ll have the nerve later.   
  
Sam shakes his head and gives a small smile, closing the door behind him and stepping out onto the porch. “No, not really. Emily’s parents are here. She and her mom are working out wedding details,” he nods his head back towards the closed door. “You’re actually saving me.”

Bella gives a nervous nod, pulling at the skin around her nails all the while. “Oh, well, good timing, I guess.”

Sam nods in agreement, “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Bella tucks her hair behind her ears and looks up. She takes in the broad lines of Sam’s features. His thick brows, his ink coloured eyes, his slightly crooked nose which she decides gives him character and thinks that maybe there are worst things in the world than Jacob slowly turning into Sam Uley.

“I wanted to apologize.”

\---

Bella hacks at a wily juniper bush, the hedge clippers making this awful noise every time she takes a piece of shrubbery between its blades.

Sweat drips down the back of her neck and mats her fly a-ways and baby wisps to her forehead. She kicks at a cluster of pebbles with the toe of her boot and snips another branch off.

Evidence of her work lays scattered around the front yard. An abandoned shovel covered in mud, empty pots of flowers and greenery she bought at the garden centre, and a hose with water still dripping slowly from the nozzle. On the curb is a pile of clippings and scraps which she’ll burn later.

Her conversation with Sam two days ago had left its traces on her. She had blundered her way through an awkward explanation of her actions, and how grateful she is for everything he and pack do for her. And when she was all done, he gave an uncomfortable, stiff smile and stated that he would talk with everyone else.

She could tell he was annoyed that Jacob had once again somehow gotten around a command, even though she’d insisted it was her doing. She hopes Jacob doesn’t face the repercussions of this. 

Bella had left feeling shaken but hopeful. She was done with moping; she was going to take control of her life.

And curb appeal is the first step in taking control back. Looking at the situation now, as sweat drips into her eyes and her muscles scream in pain, she realizes that maybe she was acting hasty and that she just can’t do certain things.

She lets out a frustrated grunt and cuts another dead branch off, using all the strength that her body possesses to create force on the handle.

Bella doesn’t notice Jacob walk out of the forest, pulling his t-shirt down over his head, and doesn’t hear his footsteps as he strides across the lawn. But she does realize he’s there till she sees him pick up the abandoned shovel out of the corner of her eye.

“Hi,” her voice jumps an octave, her heart hammers in her throat. He doesn’t respond to her greeting, just looks down at one of the many dead bushes, and then looks up at her without meeting her eye.

“Do you want this gone?” he asks. She nods, and he heaves the spade of the shovel into the earth, his fingers gripped tightly around the shaft.

“Don’t break—” she says quickly as she watches him dig deeper into the sand, but promptly stops herself. She wants him to believe she’s not selfish; that she appreciates everything he does for her, and nagging on him doesn’t exactly show that. “I mean— thank-you for helping, you don’t have to though.”

Jacob still doesn’t look her in the eye; he just continues to dig out roots. “I know,” he says casually as he discards another pile of soil.

They work in silence for the rest of the day; Jacob digging up many bushes, roots, an old stump and making holes for Bella to put new plants into. Never once breaking, except to throw his completely sweat-drenched t-shirt on the ground beside him.

When twilight sets and the sky goes from blue to orange to pink to lavender, he lugs the debris into the backyard while Bella puts tools away. Then she joins him with a pack of matches in her hand.

She fumbles with them for a few moments before she finally gets a flame started, then throws the tiny stick of fire on the pile and watches as it slowly catches ablaze.

They stand there watching the fire; their arms hang at their sides like dead weight. After what feels like a lifetime, Bella reaches out and entwines their fingers together, pressing her palm into his.

“I’m sorry,” she says quietly into the flames and looks up at him. His face glows with the warm-hued light, and she can see the reflection of its sparks in his eyes. He’s so very different from the boy who once smiled at her on a cold February day, on a beach with a blue campfire.

“I know.”

Bella takes a deep breath, lets the smell of smoke fill her lungs, and looks up as billowing clouds of grey streak the sky.


	6. More than Science Fiction

She’s sure there would have been a time in her life when watching people get brutally decapitated would have made her sick. But that just doesn’t happen now.  She can hear the reel of the player flicking from picture to picture as another space explorer gets their head ripped off by an extraterrestrial mutant with slime-covered scales and claws. Bella fists another handful of popcorn as her eyes fixate on the screen. Her hand scrapes against the bottom of the bucket as Jacob snorts beside her.

She casts a glance over his way; he’s smirking at her. She looks at his face, then down at her hand, which is still in the bucket of popcorn nestled in his lap, and quickly snaps her hand back, blushing profusely. 

“You’re such a girl,” he mumbles under his breath, clearly amused by this entire thing, and she shoots him a look.

“Shut-up.”

He smirks again. Sometimes Bella would like nothing more than to wipe it right off his face.

A few gasps go through the audience when a rather gory fight scene happens, and Bella looks away. She can handle blood, but only so much.

She peeks a glance at Jacob once again. His face is twisted into a slight grimace, at least he’s not totally immune. A man’s stomach gets ripped open, and he winces, wiping his hand along the leg of his jeans.

Bella grins, leaning in closer to him. “Are you becoming a marshmallow, Jacob Black?”

His lips twitch, “I’m not gonna even dignify that with an answer.”

She rolls her eyes, smiling and reaches to grab the bucket of popcorn from Jacob’s lap. She scoops out the last few remaining handfuls, stuffing them into her mouth, and then sets the empty bucket back on his lap.

He gives a raised brow, and she smirks. “Just in case you feel sick.”

He stretches an arm over the back of her seat and ruffles her hair with his hand. “Smart-ass,” he mutters under his breath, turning his attention back to the screen. 

Bella wills her eyes to focus on the screen, but she’s aware that Jacob hasn’t moved his arm back, it’s still stretched out around the back of her seat, and she can feel the heat from him radiating into her back. She swallows, shifting forward just a tiny bit, but Jacob starts tapping his finger against the plastic backing, and he’ll notice if she shies away from his touch.

They’ve been in countless situations more intimate than this, and she hasn’t shied away from having him touch her lately. It’s fair to say that she’s even been the one to initiate a lot of them recently, but this is different somehow. Before, she’d always just reached out without thinking anything through. But now she’s very conscious of everything. This isn’t an embrace in a needed moment of comfort or reassurance. This is public affection, and Bella’s not sure what to do with that. She and Jacob had only just made up last week, and she can’t bear to hurt his feelings again. And this voice inside her head’s telling her it’s friendly and comforting, and really if she’s frank with herself, she likes it when Jacob touches her. 

So, she leans into her seat, lets the back of her neck brush the skin of Jacob’s arm and remembers to breathe when he slowly begins drawing figure eights on the tip of her shoulder. She can do this. It’s just Jacob, after all, right? A mutant has just crawled out of the space like lagoon and is headed towards the team’s camp. Bella tenses as it gets closer and closer to the base camp. Her heart races in her chest, and she doesn’t see Jacob smile when he hears this.

And when the alien/mutant…whatever it is, springs onto one of the people, Bella almost jumps out of her seat. Her hand clamps down on Jacob’s knee, her nails digging into the fabric of his jeans. He gives a reassuring smile, but it looks funny like he’s masking over something. She blushes. Her hand doesn’t relax from his knee, though until the screen dims to black and the credits begin to roll. He clears his throat awkwardly, and she snaps her hand back, blushing again.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, tucking hair behind her ear.   


“S’okay,” he says low in the back of his throat. The sound makes gooseflesh rise on the skin of her arms. She rubs at them, and he frowns, “You cold?” She goes to shake her head, but he’s already wrapping his arm around her shoulder, and she can’t find it within her to shake him off. 

Instead, she leans into him, and they walk out into the lobby.   
  


  
\---

They’re on their way to the Rabbit, Jacob happily chattering away, when Bella stops dead in her tracks. Mike, Jessica, Lauren and Tyler are crowded around Mike’s Suburban, not twenty metres from where the Rabbit’s parked. They’ll have to walk by them to get to it, which means Bella would be forced to acknowledge them, in fear of being rude.

“I think we’re parked over by the back,” she states quickly, grabbing Jacob’s loose arm, attempting to tug him back the way they’d come.

Jacob gives her a look, “No, we’re not. I can see the Rabbit right now.” He chuckles and pulls her back.

Bella’s pulse speeds up. “Oh, right.” They keep walking, her schoolmates coming closer and closer to them. Bella angles her body tighter to Jacob, using him almost like a shield now, but it’s too late. Jacob’s still prattling along about something, with rather animated gestures now, and Mike looks over their way.

He smiles, but it slides a bit when he takes note of Jacob’s hand still held in Bella’s. “Hey, Bella,” he greets her, and then his eyes get that wary look as they scan Jacob.

Bella would have rolled her eyes if her palms hadn’t suddenly gone clammy. “Hi, Mike,” she says quickly, trying to drop Jacob’s hand, only to find he has a stronghold on hers. She squirms, flexing her fingers in hopes of giving Jacob the notion that she wants him to let go of her hand. 

It doesn’t work.

“You two just leaving the Theatre, then?” Mike asks, trying to sound as relaxed as possible.

“Yeah,” Jacob pipes in calmly, “Bells, here” he swings their joined hands between them “was a mess during the entire movie, so now we need food to settle her nerves.” Bella blushes, flexing her fingers again. It still doesn’t work.

“I thought you had nerves of steel, Bella,” Jessica says coolly, her arms folded tight across her chest. 

Bella fakes a laugh, “Guess not.” She looks at Tyler and Lauren, who are both plainly staring up at Jacob, and blushes. “Well, I’ll see you guys on Monday. Have a good night.” She tugs at Jacob’s arm, giving him a subtle look and quickly pulls him down the lot towards the Rabbit. 

Jacob laughs, wrapping an arm around her waist and swings her around slightly, so she’s closer to the passenger’s side of the Rabbit.

“Jake!” she yelps in surprise, clutching at his arm with her hands. 

“Sorry,” he grins, “you were so awkward, I had to bring you back to reality.”

She doesn’t look at him, just grumbles and waits for him to get in and unlock her door. When she’s sure he’s not paying attention, she licks at her lips and lets the small smile she was holding back creep up her lips.

\---

The cafeteria is bustling on Monday, and it takes Bella a good ten minutes of waiting in line to pay for her food before she slumps into her chair next to Angela.

“You look tired,” Angela says, looking up from her pasta salad to smile at her.

Bella runs a hand through her hair and sighs. “I was up half the night studying for my Trig test today, and I still think I failed.”

Angela pats her on the back and smile in encouragement. “I’m sure you did fine.”

“Thanks,” she mumbles, taking a bite of her Caesar salad. She picks around the croutons; if Jacob were here, he’d have his fingers in her food, popping them into his mouth like it was nothing. He always ate whatever she didn’t like. She smiles shyly, picking around another one as Tyler, Austin and Connor take the free seats across from her and Angela.   
  
“Yo, Bella,” Tyler says, biting into his apple. “Is your boyfriend on steroids or something? ‘Cause he’s, like, really huge.” Angela turns to stare at Bella with a surprised look on her face, and Bella flushes red.   
  
“Jacob’s not my boyfriend,” she rushes, staring down at her plate, “we’re not dating or anything. He’s my friend. My best friend.”

“Okay,” he replies with a slightly baffled look, “is your _friend_ on steroids, then? ‘Cause I’m serious here, it looked like he could lift a car, either that or play for the NBA.”

Bella’s ears are burning by now. “No, he’s not on steroids. He’s just really…fit for his age.” 

Satisfied with her answer, Tyler shrugs and carries on talking to the two other boys like Bella and Angela aren’t even there. Bella glances over at Angela and shrugs her shoulders, trying to mask her flustered state. It seems to work, or at least Angela doesn’t pry, she just gives a small smile and turns to kiss Ben hello when he takes the other seat beside her.

Bella’s sure not to make eye contact with anyone else for the rest of lunch.


	7. Connecting Pieces

In a rare fit of exasperation, Bella curses under her breath as she passes yet another unfamiliar street. She was supposed to be at Embry’s half an hour ago, but finding his house appears to be harder than it had seemed earlier. She could throttle Jacob. All she’d asked for was a street name, just a street name. But instead, Jacob had prattled off some nonsense about the South End and the only house with a blue door. 

She slowly turns down another poorly marked street and sees a few residential houses before driving past what looks to be La Push Elementary Tribal School. She brings her speed to a snail’s pace as she goes by. It’s not very big, certainly not as big as the Public School in Forks – and even that is tiny to Bella. There’s an addition on the west side of the building that looks like it could be the gymnasium, and just behind that is a parking lot.

There’s a small playground just off of that. A few metal swings and a set of rusted monkey bars sit in the grass beside a large sandpit.

Bella squints as she nears closer. It looks like someone is sitting on the swings, someone big with their shoulders slumped over, and their—

She stops the car, cutting the engine and hops out of the cab.

“Quil,” she calls as the younger boy kicks at the ground with the toe of his shoe. He glances up and gives her a confused look.

“Bella, what are you doing here?”   
  
He looks just as haunted as the last time she saw him. Her heart almost breaks for him; she feels his pain.

“I was trying to find Jacob, but I seem to have gotten lost.”

He frowns, anger glossing over his features. “So he’s back to talking to you, then?”

Bella curses herself silently, “…ah…no, not really.” She says quickly, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “I’m more or less just driving around in hopes of finding him.” She doesn’t like lying, but sometimes lying is just better for everyone.

Quil nods, lightly swinging forward. She looks around awkwardly, before sitting in the free swing next to him. They sit in silence for a moment, and then Quil exhales loudly.

“I just don’t get it,” he begins, his body pushing forward again with the motion of his gentle swings. “I mean, I don’t get why they’ve dropped everything to just…follow Sam like fucking stooges.”

She purses her lips, pushing herself and kicking with her legs. “I’m sure they’ll come around eventually.” She gives him a soft smile, but he just stares back at her with this lost expression. 

“Everything will go back to normal someday.” She pushes herself again, “It has to.” 

“Your optimism is precious, really, but it’s wasted here.” He looks out at the trees with this jaded look on his face. 

She knows this look. It hurts to see. It physically hurts to look at Quil. Maybe it hurts because he reminds her of the Jacob she once had, or perhaps it just hurts because she knows he’ll lose this innocence too. It’ll get taken from him, just like it was taken from the rest of them, even sweet little Seth Clearwater. From the sounds of it, it’s already begun. She wishes she could warn him. Tell him that it’s not his fault; that it kills Jacob that he can’t have _all_ his best friends close.

“We’ll be okay, Quil,” she says softly, and with a sudden need to comfort him, she reaches out and pats his knee gently. She can feel the heat burning off him already. A shiver goes through her.

He looks at her, then down at her hand resting on his knee, and once again back at her. Then he does something she hadn’t expected, he leans in and kisses her. His lips touch hers for barely a second before she jerks her head back in shock.

“Woah, what are you doing?” she cries, her cheeks flaming up.   


“Well, I was trying to kiss-“

“Yes, I know that,” she huffs, crossing her arms tight against her body. “But what made you think that was a good idea?”

He looks down at the ground. “Geez, I’m sorry…I just…you were being nice, and you were touching my leg and... shit...let’s pretend it never happened, okay?”

“Yeah,” she states more harshly she intends, “I think that’s a good idea.” They sit in silence for a moment, an incredibly painful moment of silence before Quil swears loudly, pushes off the swings and stocks off.

“Quil, wait.” She doesn’t know exactly why she calls after him, but she does.

He pauses, his body shaking slightly. “This night has been shitty enough, Bella, so, can you do me a favour and just let me leave with a bit of dignity still.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, clasping her hands tight. “I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I know you’re going through a lot.”

Quil glowers at her. “No offence or anything, Bella, but I really don’t think you do. You only recently traipsed into Jacob’s life, but he’s been my best friend my whole fucking life, and now he and Embry won’t even acknowledge my existence.”

Bella flinches at the acidic tone of his voice. “I’m sure they’ll come around…” 

His voice was low and rough, “How can you keep saying that? It’s like you’re defending them or something. He’s ditched you too, you know.”

Bella’s cheeks flush, she stares down at the ground, and then back at Quil, who looks like he’s been hit by a truck or something. She swears she can see his skin ripple. “ _Son of a bitch!_ You _were_ lying to me, weren’t you? He _is_ back to talking to you.”   
  
“Quil,” she says, taking a step back, “it’s not like that. I just think that there’s more to the situation than…either of us know.”

“I can’t believe it,” Quil snarls, “I can’t fucking believe it. I know he’s major hot for you, but he picked a girl over me!” The second half is more to himself than Bella, who just stands there frozen. His body starts to shake violently, his fists clenching by his side.

There’s a velvet voice in her head _Bella he’s a dangerous werewolf. Leave._ But she doesn’t want to hear his voice right now. She wants to help the boy in front of her. 

She can’t let the shadow of Edward control her life any longer. 

“Quil,” she says, faking calmness, “just take a deep breath.”

“I can’t,” he gasps, his expression turning to panic as tremors start rolling off him in waves. “I feel like I’m going to explode or something.”   
  
He stumbles to his knees; his head bowed to the ground. A feral growl escapes his body, and Bella rushes forward.   
  
“ _Bella_ ,” she hears her name yelled. “ _Bella, move now!”_

She spins around, frightened, to see Jared racing towards her, Sam hot at his heels. They fly by her and plow into Quil with such force she’s sure a regular person would have broken something. Together they drag his convulsing form into the trees just as Quil looks like he’s about to phase.

In the next second, Paul goes speeding by her, casting a glare in her direction. “Why is it always you?” he snarls as he passes before hitting the trees and leaving Bella once again all alone.

Her knees buckle, and she staggers to the ground. Her heart pounds wildly in her throat. Somewhere in the distance, she hears her name called again, but she can’t seem to tear her eyes from the trees. A few moments later, Jacob and Embry come rushing over with concerned faces. Jacob crouches in front of her, his hands cupping her face.  
  
“Oh God, Bells, are you okay? Did he hurt you?” his thumbs running along the delicate skin under her eyes, his eyes flying to look at every possible inch of her body.

She shakes her head in his grasp. “No, he didn’t even touch me. Jared and Sam got him into the forest before he could phase.” 

Jacob doesn’t look any more relaxed by this and instead pulls her into him and wraps his arms tight around her. “Jesus, you had me freaking out for a moment.”

There’s a loud, threatening snarl coming from the forest. Embry looks anxiously towards the lining of trees, his hands bunching at his sides. “Don’t you need to go help him?” Bella mumbles, lifting her head to nod to the wooded background.   
  
Jacob and Embry exchange glances, then Jacob shakes his head. “No, too many people out there will only confuse Quil more. And besides, it’s not safe to leave you here alone at night.” 

“But he’s your friend, and you should be helping him.” She pushes herself from Jacob’s arms and goes to stand, but Jacob snags a hand out and pulls her back down. She hits the ground with an ungraceful ‘ _humph.’_

“It’s cool, Bella,” Embry casts another glance over his shoulder, before flopping down into the grass beside her. “Quil would only be super pissed at us anyway, and Sam will want to be the one that takes him through stuff. We’ll see him when he’s feeling less…angsty.”

“How did you guys know where to find us anyway?” she asks, looking over at Embry.

“We’re all-powerful like that,” Embry states simply, picking at pieces of the grass. “We could sense that he was about to phase; it’s all a part of our wolfy connection.”

“Really?” Bella looks back over at Jacob with wide eyes. He’s smirking at her, his eyes creasing in the corners in a rather attractive way.

“No, not really,” Embry grins, shaking his head. “I just wanted to see if you’d fall for that. You’re such a _ho-quaht_.” Jacob snorts at this, causing Bella to frown. 

“If you’re going to make fun of me, at least do it in English, please?” 

“Don’t worry, Bells,” Jacob chuckles, “it’s just rez slang for non-native people.” Bella scowls at Embry, who only laughs at the expression on her face.

“My question still didn’t get answered.” She turns back to Jacob, who’s leaning back on his elbows.

“Okay,” Embry begins, “here’s what really happened. Jake was having a shit fit and being all worried because you were half an hour late, so he…”

“Shut-up, Embry,” Jacob growls, eyes cast down to his lap, anywhere but at her she notes. Bella turns her head, a blush crawling up her skin. She feels her lips tugging, trying to curl into a grin.

Jacob catches her tiny embarrassed smile and clears his throat. “I…uh…called Charlie, and he said that you’d left an hour ago, so Embry and I just assumed that you’d gotten lost or something.” He finally meets her gaze and gives her a sheepish grin. “I mean, it is _you_ after all, but another twenty minutes went by, and you still weren’t there, so we decided to walk around to see if you’d gone down a wrong street or something…” 

“And we bumped into Jared and Paul, who were out looking for Quil under Sam’s order. Sam’s been keeping a close eye on Quil for a few weeks now, seeing as he was about to pop. He didn’t want any more surprises, after the disaster with Leah and Seth,” Embry piped in, frowning slightly at this. “And then Jared spotted your truck, and by default you in ‘ _the throws of danger,’_ ” Embry makes a motion of air quotes, “…and bolted to get Sam’s ass over here, pronto…” 

“And the rest, as they say, is history,” Jacob finishes, his voice darker than usual. There’s a deep crease forming between his brows, and his eyes take on a hard, bitter look. He sits up, pulling his knees closer to his chest. Bella’s heart lurches at the sight of him. She quickly reaches over, wrapping her small hand around the crook of his arm, and squeezes gently. He tilts his head, glancing at her hand. She watches as his eyes travel the length of her arm, before settling on her face. His eyes are hooded, and she’s painfully reminded of the boy who’d been afraid of getting sucked in not that long ago. 

All three heads whip towards the trees when a threateningly loud snarl echoes through the quiet night sky.

Embry glances around anxiously again. “I think I might go check-in… just to see what’s going on.” He pushes himself up, stretching his arms over his head. “I’ll be right back,” he says over his shoulder, already trotting towards the forest.

Jacob glances up, frowns slightly at his friend’s retreating form, and sighs in a defeated manner. 

“Jake,” Bella says, her voice getting caught in her throat. “I know you think this is the worst thing possible for Quil, but you have to know he won’t see it that way.” 

He doesn’t say anything; he just continues to stare at the trees with a hard look on his face. No, he can’t do this. He can’t go back to being withdrawn from her. She’s just getting better, and she needs him - needs his smiles and his laughter. She needs him not to lose himself.

“Jacob. Jake, look at me,” she turns his face to meet hers. “All he cares about is having you and Embry back as his friends. Things will okay, you’ll see.”

Jacob wets his lips, his gaze going to her small chapped ones, and grins slightly. “Your fingers are cold.”

She returns his smile, shifting her hand so that more of it covers his skin. “They’re always cold.” 

He chuckles, his eyes lightening. “So, I guess our plans of teaching you how to play Halo’s been shot to hell. Anything, in particular, you want to do for the evening instead?”

“Well,” she begins, removing her hand from his face and placing it back in her lap, “Anything has to better than video games, so I’m easy.” Jacob laughs, his nose scrunching up, and his lips sliding into a wide toothy grin. The sound of it makes Bella want to wrap her arms around him, but she settles on resting her head on his shoulder. 

She feels his head turn, assumes that he’s just brushed his nose or lips across her hair; it’s what he would typically do.

“Whatever you want, honey.” 


	8. Delaying the Inevitable

As she predicted, Quil is more or less thrilled to be one of the ‘gang,’ even though he admits that he’s not pleased that a thirteen-year-old beat him to it. 

“You asshole,” Jacob had muttered, “it’s not a good thing that the Clearwater's are like us. Why do you think Harry had a heart attack.” 

Quil had quieted after that. 

He had also been predictably surprised when he discovered the truth of Bella’s involvement in all this. "Wow Bella, first vampires, now werewolves. Any other supernatural fetishes we should be warned about?" 

Jacob had punched him so hard in the arm it had made Quil’s eyes water, which Bella took satisfaction in as her skin had flushed to her ears. 

Bella hates how removed she feels from all of them, as she slops her days away at Forks High, while they put their lives on hold and patrol the forest day and night. 

Her Spanish exam feels spectacularly trivial in comparison, as do her shifts at Newton’s, which she passes by in a fog, especially now that Mike seems to have given her the cold shoulder again, no doubt put out about seeing her and Jacob together. Oh well, it’s not like she could make it better, even if she wanted. There’s no contest about who wins regarding her affections, and Mike wouldn’t like the outcome. 

There are other concerns she has to deal with, too, like the sad state of her grades and the fact that she never applied to any colleges like the rest of her classmates. She books an appointment with the guidance counsellor about what her options are, but she already has a sinking suspicion that her best option is to repeat the fall semester to make up the grades she lost the last term. The idea of staying at Forks High any longer than she has to is a hard thought to swallow, but at least Jacob would still be around. 

When she voices this to Charlie, he blinks at her from across the table, his fork still on his plate. 

“You—” he starts, “You’re thinking about college?” 

“Well, yeah,” she mumbles, shrugging in her seat. “I mean, I can’t work at Newton’s forever, and most of my classmates are going, so shouldn’t I?” 

Charlie eyes her hesitantly, eyes scanning her face like he’s trying to read her. “Is that what you want?” 

She pauses. Once she’d have gone wherever Edward went, given her life to be with him forever, then she’d thought she’d never leave this town in fear of missing his return. But now neither of those things is a viable option, so maybe she should get on with actually living. 

Rosalie’s first and final conversation rings through her mind. Don’t _wallow on what could have been, trust me on that._

“Yeah,” she grins at Charlie, “I think I want to go to college.” 

The relief on Charlie’s face is palpable, “That’s great, Bell.” 

\---

Bella spends her Friday night at La Push. Jacob and Quil are scheduled for the midnight patrol, but there’s a pink moon tonight, so they drive up to the cliffs where the view is the best. Bella hasn’t been up here since that awful day she jumped. 

It feels like it was ages ago, rather than the few actual weeks it’s been. 

Now, she dangles her feet over the edge and watches as the wave crash against the rocks under her. It’s hard to imagine how she jumped off the edge, even harder to believe how she missed the rocks. Oh God, how stupid it was for her to have jumped. She should have never done it. 

As if Jacob has the same thought, he shifts closer to her, almost like he’s preparing himself to grab her in case she decides to throw herself off. Their hands briefly touch as they reposition themselves. They cast a glance at each other before Bella blushes and folds her hands into her lap. 

Another breeze picks up and makes her shiver; the hair on her arms stands, and she smoothes her hands down over them.  
  
“You cold?”  
  
She smiles and nods, “Yeah, but I left my jacket in my truck.” They’d taken the Rabbit up here because the beast’s suspension was _shot to shit,_ according to Jacob.  


“Wait one sec,” he pops up, jogging off to the car and returning a few moments later with a hoodie in hands. “I knew I had one tossed somewhere in the backseat.” 

“Here, stand up.” She complies, pushing herself up off the ground. “Arms, up,” he says as he pulls the sleeves down over her.  
  
“This must be pretty useless to you now,” she mumbles from inside the sweater, still struggling to find the hole for her head. She’s having a battle with it, and she’s not winning. Her arms flail around the hood, trying to find the opening.  


Finally, her head resurfaces from amongst the dark green material, and cheeks flushed in embarrassment. He pulls the hood up to frame her face, his fingers tighten around the fabric, lingering before in a fluid motion he’s tugging her towards him, towards his face, towards his lips. 

“Bella,” he breathes, “Before that le—” he pauses, wetting his lips, “Before your _friend_ showed up that day you jumped, and, um the day of Harry’s funeral, I thought maybe, for a moment that you and me… that we were—” he pauses again, drawing a breath. Her heart is thundering in her ears, and her whole body feels keyed up. “I really want to kiss you, but only if that’s what you want, too.” 

She had suspected that this was inevitable. They’ve been on a headlong collision to this moment for weeks now, only temporarily delayed. It was one thing to be the reactive partner, but to actively put the decision on her — could she do that? 

Her eyes flit around Jacob’s face, lingering on his lips. He’s so brave for her every day, lays his life on the line to keep her safe, and never once asks for more than she’s been willing to give. 

_Be brave,_ she chants desperately to herself, _be brave like Jake._

“Yes,” she says, voice no more than a choked whisper over the lump in her throat. 

His smile splits his face like a sunset, and then he dips to press their mouths together. His lips are soft and gentle, and she freezes momentarily before she slowly catches on and moves her lips with him, allowing herself to melt into him. When they break apart, her eyes are closed. She can feel her hair splayed across her forehead and sticking out in messy disarray from under the hood.

A moment later, her eyes flutter open, a small, shy smile spreading as Jacob pushes her hair down, his fingers caressing softly over her skin, leaving fire in his wake. Neither one of them says anything; they just stand smiling at each other, his hands still lingering along her temple. 

She bites down on her bottom lip, thinking about how hot his breath was on her lips, and she soon finds herself leaning in to connect their mouths once again. She feels bolder now, remembering how much she likes this and how she’d longed for Edward to feel as swept up as she always did. She doesn’t have to wish that with Jacob, she knows he wants her. If she’s going to live her life, she better actually live, right? 

She parted her lips in an invitation, and he eagerly accepts, tracing her bottom lip with his tongue as she opens beneath him. Oh, _oh,_ his tongue makes slow, tentative circles in her mouth, and she gasps, clutching at his shoulders. He moans quietly into her, pulling her flush to him, one hand sliding to grab at her waist, while the other tangles deeper into her hair. When they part this time, their breathes are laboured, and Jacob grins again, almost dazed.  
  
He is more than sort of beautiful. 

Another cold wind blows up off the ocean, and Bella buries her face into the neck of Jacob’s hoodie. It smells like that woodsy scent of men’s hygiene products that she’s come to associate with Jacob and the lingering smell of campfire smoke. 

He laughs, pulling her back into the tight circle of his arms. “Okay, let’s get you back before you freeze.”  


\---

She’s still got his sweater on when she drives home later, and when the nightmares come, she pulls it close, breathing in the scent until eyes droop and peaceful sleep finds her.


	9. Say Goodbye

Bella wakes from a fitful sleep to the sound of tapping at her window. She stares blearily at her digital alarm clock, which reads twenty past three in the morning, then at her window.  For a second, her heart seizes in her chest, but there is only one person who would scale a tree just to knock at her window.

“Jacob,” she mumbles when she slides open the sash, her mouth gummy with sleep. “What are you doing here?” 

Jacob swings in, landing with a loud thud. There is mud splattered up his legs, and she notices that he’s barefoot. I mmediately he pulls her into a spine crushing embrace, her feet almost lifting off the ground as he anchors her to him. There is a surreal feeling of Deja-Vue to this. Only a month ago, they’d stood here doing the same thing the night Jacob disobeyed Sam and came to her window. Tremors are rolling down the length of his back, and Bella’s heart drops to her stomach. 

“Jake,” she rubs comforting circles into his skin, “Jake, what’s wrong?” 

He pulls back, his hands sliding to cup her face. “Bella, honey, this is really important, I need you to be honest with me. Have you heard from the Cullens recently?” 

Bella recoils, hands instinctively going to wrap around her stomach. “Wh-at? No, of course, I haven’t. Why would you think that?” 

“I’m serious, Bells, a phone message, letter, email, _anything_.”  
  
“No!” She snaps. “Jacob, what’s going on?” 

Jacob lets out a long breath, his shoulders slumping as his body relaxes a little. “The red-headed bloodsucker is dead.” 

She blanches, weak-kneed as she sits on her bed. “Wha— Victoria? You got her?” Jacob shakes his head, leaning against her wooden desk. 

“Jacob,” she says, wringing her hands. “Just spit it out. What happened with Victoria? Is anyone hurt?”

Jacob shakes his head again, staring out her window, his jaw clenched tight. “We picked up a couple of new scents a few days ago, on the very far borders of Forks. Then they were gone, so we didn’t dedicate too much attention to it. But tonight it was like the forest was flooded with that rotting bloodsucker smell, and I’ve only smelt it that strong when we killed that other one, and then we found the redhead’s carcass, torn up and smoking in a clearing.” 

Bella’s heart is beating so hard now she fears it will burst from her chest. The only thing that can kill a vampire, other than werewolves, is a vampire. But that would mean… her head feels like it’s spinning. 

Jacob turns to look at her. “If the treaty were active, that clearing would be on the Cullens lands.” 

“You think the Cullens killed Victoria?” The words feel like lead in her mouth.  
  
He stops his pacing, taking a seat beside her on the bed. The heat rolling off him makes her skin prickle. “I mean, it’s the only explanation, isn’t it? What else could do that?” 

Bella’s mind flickers back to Alice and Italy, where the powerful vampires lived, before dismissing the idea entirely. Why would an ancient coven come to eliminate one misbehaving vampire? They probably wouldn’t even see Victoria as misbehaving, since the Cullens were unusual for their _vegetarian_ lifestyle. It had to be the Cullens then. And they hadn’t wanted her to know about it. That thought sits like a shard of glass in her stomach. Rosalie told her they were permanently cutting ties with her, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but all the same, it’s so painful.  
  
Were they staying? Oh God, was Edward here? Had he come to tie up this final loose end? 

“How old was the fire?” She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“I don’t know, maybe a few hours. It was hard to get close enough without choking on the smell.” 

Suddenly she’s up on her feet, reaching for the door. Jacob shoots his hand up, fingers wrapping around her wrist to halt her.  
  
“Bells, where are you going?

“To find them. They must still be here.” Jacob lets go of her, his hands curling into tight fists against his thighs. 

“I know you _care_ about them,” Jacob says through gritted teeth like it’s taking everything within to stay calm. “But they can’t stay Bella. It’s their fucking fault that the pack exists. It’s their fault that I’m like this.” He clenches his fists tighter, the skin pulling white along his knuckles. “I mean, Seth is thirteen, he’s not even in high school yet. What happens if they trigger even younger kids?” 

The thought makes her feel ill.

_We only protect people from one thing – our one enemy. It’s the reason we exist – because they do._

As much as she loved the Cullens, they couldn’t stay here; she sees that now. It was their presence that had triggered each member of the pack like a terrible domino effect. But no more teenagers were going to go through what Jacob and the rest of the pack had. She could still hear the terror, the anguish in Jacob’s voice as he’d described his first agonizing transformation. _His pain, her pain._ The shock of his children transforming had killed Harry Clearwater. Nothing good came from having vampires near La Push, and now that Victoria was gone, the wolves could hopefully go back to just being humans.  
  
The Cullens had to leave and never return. She had to make them see. 

There’s a dark, guarded look to Jacob. His body is coiled, almost vibrating with anger- Pack Jacob. But his eyes, his eyes are all hers. The Jacob she lov— 

Oh. 

Does she love Jacob? The only love she’s ever known was something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world, so all-consuming she had lost herself entirely to it. But that’s not what most love is, is it? What she has with Jacob is something different, something that fills her with warmth and light. Maybe that’s what love was supposed to be in the human world? 

When Bella thinks of Edward, she feels breathless. But when she thinks of Jacob, she feels content- happy.

_Yes_ , she thinks, she does love Jacob. It might not be the way she’d loved Edward; Bella would never love again the way she had loved Edward, but it is the most important thing she has in her life now. Edward was her past, but Jacob is her future. If she is going to move forward, he has to be. 

And for them to move forward, she realizes she _has_ to pick Jacob over the Cullens. He’ll never really trust her if she doesn’t; none of the pack will.  


Bella steps back towards Jacob, her fingers reaching to sweep through his shorn hair, then down his face to tilt his chin up to her. She then leans down, pressing a soft kiss to his lips before pulling back. He stares at her, his eyes dark and fathomless, as if she could fall right into them and never reach the end. She can see the love he has for her burning in them. She’s known that Jacob loves her for a while, she’s just never let herself linger on it before, but now it is impossible to ignore.  
  
“I—” she sucks in a quick breath, “I love you, Jacob, and I’m going to fix this so that neither you or anyone else will be forced to transform ever again. Okay?” 

She watches Jacob’s eyes widen in surprise as her words seem to seep into him. “Yo- you love me?” His voice is soft and vulnerable. 

She nods, running her thumb over the swell of his bottom lip, and he presses a kiss against the pad. 

\---

  
The house looks the same. The ancient cedars that line the way, opening up the large white house like a glowing beacon in the trees. 

Jacob had pushed her car down the street to keep the rattle of the engine from waking Charlie, and Bella had driven- her mind on autopilot that took her down the ever-familiar road out of Forks. Jacob rubbed circles into her thigh the whole time, his warm touch a soothing balm to the nerves coursing through her. 

Apart from the fresh tire tracks leading up to the house, the house looks just as shut down as it has since September. 

Bella waivers between crushing disappointment, and overwhelming relief at this. Bile rises in her throat, the gaping wound in her stomach feels like a black hole absorbing everything around it. This was a mistake. She can’t be here. 

“Hey, Bella, honey,” Jacob strokes her back, pushing the curtain of her hair back so he can see her. She hadn’t even realized she had slumped over, her nose now brushing the steering wheel. “If it’s too hard, I can go check it out myself.” He pushes hair behind her ear, his fingers lightly touching her jaw along the way. 

She shakes her head, expelling a quivering breath. “No,” she turns to look at Jacob, “I need to do this.” 

Together they get out, and as they walk towards the house, Jacob grabs her hand, entwining their fingers with a squeeze. 

“ _Jesus_ , it reeks out here.” Jacob’s face is pinched in disgust, and she squeezes his hand back to calm him.  
  
“Does it smell fresh?”  
  
He pauses, features furrowing now in concentration. “I don’t know, really. Even in human form, the smell is strong. But if this is where they live every time they come back, then the smell of them’s probably soaked into the house by now or something I’d guess.” 

As they get closer, Jacob suddenly seizes, his fingers twitching in her hand. “Sorry, Bells. I don’t think I can go any closer.” Reluctantly, he lets go of her hand, taking a few huge steps backwards.  
  
She wants him here, but she won’t push him. “It’s okay if you need to phase, Jake. If it’s easier to be here as a wolf, I don’t mind.”  
  
The tendons in his neck flare, but he grins, “That’s really sweet, Bells, but if I phase here, I could risk breaking the treaty. I’m not allowed to phase on the Cullens lands.” 

“Oh, right. Okay, that’s fine.” She tries to smile at him, but can only manage a tight grin. Her legs feel like jelly as she walks the few remaining steps to the front door, and she has to hold onto the railing to steady herself.   
  
Her hand hangs in the air for a moment, and she steadies her trembling before knocking as loudly as she can.

She waits, casting a look back at Jacob after a few moments, before knocking again. But she already knows, knew the minute they pulled up the drive. If they were here, they’re long gone by now, and they won’t be back. 

She blinks back that familiar burn of unshed tears and pulls the letter from her pocket (placed in a resealable sandwich bag to protect it from the weather), slipping it between the door and the weatherproofing. 

Hopefully, if they ever return someday, they’ll find it and leave. Bella wants to trust that if Carlisle knew the damage his family’s presence causes, he’d make it right. He is a good man, and she has to believe he would never knowingly cause others to suffer at his expense. 

She turns to take one last long look up at the white house. All the sublimely happy memories wrapped up in this place, and that one terrible night to bring it all crashing to a horrifying end. 

“Goodbye,” she whispers. She never got to say it before. Edward had taken that from her, but she lets it swell in her now. All her old hopes and dreams, the people she had been so sure would always be her family. They changed her life, and she would always be grateful to have known them, but it's time to move on. 

When she rejoins Jacob, she takes his hand, and together they make their way down the gravel path.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who took an interest in this story!


End file.
